Category Archives: jesus

Marriage: What is it and Why is it?

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Dear Folks,
For the last three weeks in our Sunday Gospels Jesus talks about children. When the disciples want to know who is most important, Jesus brings forth a child (Mark 9:30-37). When the disciples act out of jealousy toward someone not in their group, Jesus speaks in very strong terms about the seriousness of their example affecting children (Mark 9:36-48). When Jesus is asked about marriage, the next thing He talks about is receiving children and how “the kingdom of God belongs to such as these” and how we need to learn from them (Mark 10:2-16). I think He’s trying to get our attention.
I have just finished a book called “Pro-Child Politics” by Kathy Faust. It is a series of chapters on various issues in which our society is sacrificing the well-being of children for the desires of adults. The chapters are written by experts in the field, and they are well written and heavily footnoted, so even if you don’t wind up agreeing with all the things that are said, this is a very
important addition to the conversation, and it will be worthwhile wrestling with the ideas. This week Jesus brings together the question of marriage and welcoming children.
There are currently two views of marriage available in conversation. There is the relational view, that sees marriage as affirming the relationship of the couple (or thruple?) based on their romantic feelings for each other that they label love. In this view, marriage can be anything you want. This is the commonly held view today, and often assumed to be the only one. The other is the conjugal view of marriage, which unites men and women to one another, and to any children they might create, which was the foundation of most of human civilization. It understands marriage as recognized by the government, ideally life long, sexual in nature, exclusive in nature, only two people.
There is a presentation on Formed.org “How to Talk about Marriage and Same Sex Unions” by Trent Horn. There are the books “Getting the Marriage Conversation Right” by William B. May and “What is Marriage?” by Sherif Girgis, Ryan T. Anderson, and Robert P George that make the case for the conjugal view of marriage, and give evidence that this is the best possible situation for a child to grow up in.
I would also suggest reading “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley (written in 1931, eerily prophetic). It describes a dystopian future in which family has been replaced by government, and children are a manufactured commodity. Also see “The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt, about the effects of smart phone use on childhood.
How often are children seen as a commodity to be produced, and accessory to one’s lifestyle?
It is important to prioritize the well-being of children not only because they are so vulnerable, but because they are going to be running things someday when we are in the nursing home.
The more they are able to learn virtue, empathy, emotional regulation, deferral of gratification, a sense of right and wrong and similar things, the less violent and more flourishing our society
will be. Notice this is not ruled by their feelings and desires, but a deeper sense of the good.
Where do we go from here?
Blessings,
Fr. Jim

It Begins With Listening

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Dear Folks,

The New Testament teaches us a few Aramaic words, including “Ephphatha,” meaning “be opened.” Jesus heals a deaf man with a speech impediment (Mark 7:31-37). When Jesus does a miracle, we first rejoice, and then we ask, “what is He trying to teach us?

When most people could not read or write, being unable to hear or speak would severely isolate people. Hearing and speaking connect us to the world beyond ourselves. Sin also isolates people from one another and tends to close us in on ourselves. Big Question: Is the focus of attention on ourselves or beyond ourselves?

Most of us don’t listen as well as we think we do. If I’m focused on myself, I’m filled with: How does this affect me? What does it make me feel? How do I respond to it?

In Ann Garrido’s book “Redeeming Conflict” we find habit #2 is “be curious” and habit #3 is “Listen to understand.” We have a tendency to listen to find the flaws and respond. But in the other person’s head, what they are thinking makes sense to them. The challenge is to figure out how it makes sense, how do their ideas fit together, and why do they find them compelling? What are the concerns and motivations that drive them? This allows us to speak to their concerns. I know some people have said some things that were true, but did not speak to my premises and concerns, so I found them completely unpersuasive. I found, for example, that since I think there are some problems with the way liturgy has often been celebrated after Vatican II, they assume that I idealize the time before Vatican II, and so they give me a lecture on all the problems of that time. Since they are arguing with a position that I do not believe, it doesn’t matter if what they say is true, it accomplishes nothing except get on my nerves and waste my time.

Sometimes I have found myself, to my regret, doing that to someone else. A response bursts out of me before I even think about it instead of hearing them out and maybe asking

some questions to draw their thoughts out. This suggests that I was focused more on myself than the other person, and that my need to tell my story had become desperate. It also makes it unlikely that what I say is going to be effective. To become a better listener, I try

to quiet myself and focus carefully on the other person. I also work on telling my story. If I don’t have another venue, it helps to write, even if I don’t share it with anyone. That helps me tell my story in a more controlled manner.

Redeeming conflict habit #5 is welcome emotion, and #6 is tell your story. Once I have listened to the other person, seeking to understand deeply why they think they way they do, I can look at myself and see what I have to tell of what I’m thinking and feeling. I’m more likely to be able to speak in a way that connects. Being a better listener increases my power of speech. I don’t claim to be great at it, but I know I’m better than I used to be, and I’ve connected better with others. I ask Jesus to continue to do for me what He did for the man in the Gospel.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim