Category Archives: marriage

Marriage: What is it and Why is it?

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Dear Folks,
For the last three weeks in our Sunday Gospels Jesus talks about children. When the disciples want to know who is most important, Jesus brings forth a child (Mark 9:30-37). When the disciples act out of jealousy toward someone not in their group, Jesus speaks in very strong terms about the seriousness of their example affecting children (Mark 9:36-48). When Jesus is asked about marriage, the next thing He talks about is receiving children and how “the kingdom of God belongs to such as these” and how we need to learn from them (Mark 10:2-16). I think He’s trying to get our attention.
I have just finished a book called “Pro-Child Politics” by Kathy Faust. It is a series of chapters on various issues in which our society is sacrificing the well-being of children for the desires of adults. The chapters are written by experts in the field, and they are well written and heavily footnoted, so even if you don’t wind up agreeing with all the things that are said, this is a very
important addition to the conversation, and it will be worthwhile wrestling with the ideas. This week Jesus brings together the question of marriage and welcoming children.
There are currently two views of marriage available in conversation. There is the relational view, that sees marriage as affirming the relationship of the couple (or thruple?) based on their romantic feelings for each other that they label love. In this view, marriage can be anything you want. This is the commonly held view today, and often assumed to be the only one. The other is the conjugal view of marriage, which unites men and women to one another, and to any children they might create, which was the foundation of most of human civilization. It understands marriage as recognized by the government, ideally life long, sexual in nature, exclusive in nature, only two people.
There is a presentation on Formed.org “How to Talk about Marriage and Same Sex Unions” by Trent Horn. There are the books “Getting the Marriage Conversation Right” by William B. May and “What is Marriage?” by Sherif Girgis, Ryan T. Anderson, and Robert P George that make the case for the conjugal view of marriage, and give evidence that this is the best possible situation for a child to grow up in.
I would also suggest reading “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley (written in 1931, eerily prophetic). It describes a dystopian future in which family has been replaced by government, and children are a manufactured commodity. Also see “The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt, about the effects of smart phone use on childhood.
How often are children seen as a commodity to be produced, and accessory to one’s lifestyle?
It is important to prioritize the well-being of children not only because they are so vulnerable, but because they are going to be running things someday when we are in the nursing home.
The more they are able to learn virtue, empathy, emotional regulation, deferral of gratification, a sense of right and wrong and similar things, the less violent and more flourishing our society
will be. Notice this is not ruled by their feelings and desires, but a deeper sense of the good.
Where do we go from here?
Blessings,
Fr. Jim

Families Building Civilization

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Dear Folks,

If we are serious about building a less violent world, we need to take a look at fatherless families. According to everything I’ve read (see fatherhood.org for some data), children who grow up without their fathers are significantly more likely to live in poverty, have

behavioral problems, become drug addicts, commit crimes, and many other things. I’ve been told that boys learn from their fathers how to be men and how to treat women, while daughters learn from their fathers what to expect from men.

There are many single parent families that are doing great things, and there are some fathers that are not doing a good job, but it can still be true that encouraging families with both the father and mother present and engaged can build a better world.

Someone told me that her observation was that some parents see their children more as accessories than as their central life vocation. Such parents drop off their kids at school, and maybe at church, and act as the primary teachers of their children. However, many parents are taking their responsibility very seriously and see themselves as the first mentors, protectors, and advocates for their children. How can we help and encourage them?

I’ve heard some voices that suggested that parents shouldn’t have a say in (or even know) what their children are getting taught because they weren’t trained like teachers are. However, I’ve heard some teachers saying please, please, please would parents be

more involved in their children’s education. How can we help and encourage them?

For many years it was clique that in movies and TV shows the father of the family was either a doofus or a jerk, and everyone knew better than him. How might that have helped form the notion that fathers were not that important to have around. I’ve been told by a

number of sources that the way the welfare system is structured, it is actually encouraging the mother to raise children without the presence of the father. If that is true, how can that be changed? How can it be structured to encourage active presence and participation of both parents? I have been told it will never be changed because keeping people poor and dependent is big business. I figure systematic change can only happen when enough people rise up and decide not to stand for it. I don’t know where to start, but I refuse to believe it is impossible.

It has been said that “Love is love.” It is a true statement, but not all love relationships are the same. The relationship between husband and wife is different from father and son, from mother and daughter, between cousins, between brothers, between brother and sister, between two good friends, and so on. Each has a different nature, makes a different contribution to society, and is expressed differently. I would suggest that the relationship

between a man and a woman, committed to a permanent exclusive relationship of love that is ordered toward the generation and nurturing of children makes a unique contribution. If

that is true, how can society privilege this relationship, encourage it, strengthen it, and value it? Our future, and our hope for a better world, may depend on it.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

What Does Jesus Mean?

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Dear Folks,

The Gospel readings from last Sunday and this Sunday have Jesus issuing some serious challenges. How do we respond in practice? There are some big questions. People might look at His words and say they are not practical, and then they skip over them. That would be very bad. If we can be unaffected by Jesus’ words, we are a failing at discipleship.

Jesus talks about anger: “But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment…(Matt 5:22).” Does this mean we should never be angry? We read what Jesus said in Matthew 23, and He sounds pretty angry to me. When Jesus flips over tables and drives the money changers out of the temple, He seems pretty angry then too. What are we to think? We read in Ephesians 4:26-27: “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger, and do not leave room for the devil.” There is a right way to be angry, when it is based on love, and we see our loved ones doing self-destructive things. This leads to seeking to help if one can. In Matt 23, after Jesus is angry, He weeps over Jerusalem. Under loving anger there is profound sadness.

Jesus speaks about divorce, and we see parallels in Matt 19:1-12, Mark 10:1-12 Luke 16:18, and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Only Matthew has the clarification that it is not applicable to illicit unions, which we find expressed in the Church’s practice of declaring certain unions did not achieve a permanent sacramental bond. This happens when something was defective in the way the union was formed. It is controversial and very messy, but the best way we know to find justice and hold to the truth. The key takeaway is approach marriage with all the seriousness that can be mustered. It’s doing something that cannot be undone.

We come to the issue of self-defense. In Matt 5:39, Jesus says, “Offer no resistance to one who is evil…”. If we take it the way it first sounds, not only do we then renounce war and self defense, but never call the police, lock our doors, or use password on our computers, for they are

all resistance to those who are evil. This can’t be right. Letting the world be ruled by predators, terrorists, and bullies does not seem like loving all people. Not only does that mean a lot (awful lot) of innocents get hurt, but the perpetrators are encouraged to lose their souls.

In 1Samuel 25, Abigail prevents a war between David and her husband Nabal (Abigail is a Biblical heroine worth knowing about). In verses 33-35 David seems happy and relieved that he did not do all that killing. It sounds like he didn’t want to but felt compelled to. I think that was common in Biblical times (and is not unknown in our time) when the cycle of revenge did so much harm and neither side really gained. Jesus liberates people from that compulsion.

The Catholic Church has held the right of just war, of enforcing the law, and of sometimes a right, even a duty to defend self or another against an unjust aggressor. Violent defense is always the last resort, and we still have concern for the good of the unjust aggressor. That is why, when even the most horrible villains are caught, we must still respect their human dignity. Their lives are still sacred. We don’t torture them, whatever they have done. This is why the Church has been leaning away from capital punishment since the time of Pope Saint John Paul. It is better they be alive so they can repent (see Ezekiel 18). If I had my may, the worst criminals would be put into a cell and then pipe in EWTN, Word on Fire, and Augustine Institute videos. Victory over evil is greatest when a sinner becomes a saint. That is our goal.

Blessings, Fr. Jim

The Bride, the Lamb, and the Baptist

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Dear Folks,

As we get back to ordinary time, we journey with Jesus and His followers in the Gospels. In our Gospel today, we see John the Baptist introducing Jesus with, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world (John 1:29).” He explains that he knew this by the power of the Holy Spirit. We remember this is the second time John the Baptist recognized Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit (See Luke 1:39-45). We are so used to calling Jesus the Lamb of God we can forget how strange it would sound at the time. He is, of course referring to the Passover Lamb, and the Gospel of John will develop the theme of Jesus and Passover quite extensively.

In the Gospel of John, the Baptists job is to introduce Jesus, and he will use two images: the Passover Lamb and the Bridegroom (see John 3:22-30). These two images are brought together at the end of the Book of Revelation with the wedding of the Bride (the Church) and the Lamb (Revelation 19:6-9; 21:9-21, note especially “Blessed are those who have been called to the wedding feast of the Lamb [Rev. 19:9]”).

John the Baptist will refer to himself as the “friend of the bridegroom” or the best man (John 3:29). If you read Brant Pitre’s book “Jesus the Bridegroom” he will explain that the role of friend of the bridegroom was critical in Jewish culture, and he brings the bride to the groom. He says that rabbinic literature will say God was playing the role of friend of the bridegroom when He brought Eve to Adam (Genesis 1:22). As we keep reading the Gospel of John we see that the next day the Baptist repeats the message to two of his disciples, including Andrew, and they start following Jesus (In bringing those who would be Church to the Lamb, John is acting as friend of the Bridegroom).

During Mass, the priest holds up the Blessed Sacrament and says, “Behold, the Lamb of God. Behold Him who takes away the sins of the world. Blessed are those called to the Supper of the Lamb.” Bringing together John 1:29 and Revelation 19:9, this spans the work of Jesus from beginning to end and our journey with Jesus from beginning to end; the whole of the great mystery of salvation, the great mystery of life is before us. If we take this seriously, it should make us tremble a bit. We respond, “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the world and my soul shall be healed.” This precious phrase comes from Matthew chapter 8, right after the Sermon on the Mount (which began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [Mat. 5:3]”). Matthew 8 begins with two healings.

First, there is a leper, who was the poorest of the poor. He could offer Jesus nothing; he was totally dependent on Jesus’ mercy. The second, by contrast was a centurion asking for healing for his servant. He was, in material terms, probably the wealthiest and most powerful person ever to set foot in the little town of Capernaum, and he had been very generous to the people there (See Luke 7:4-5). If anyone could have expected to approach Jesus with a sense of entitlement, it was him. However, he makes this profoundly humble statement, “I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof (Mat 8:8; Luke 7:6-7).” He was materially wealthy, but he was poor in spirit, as we are called to be. We remember when people approached Jesus with a sense of entitlement, it does not end well (see Luke 4:14-30).”

We are called to remember, as we receive the most awesome gift of the Eucharist, that we so very much do not deserve this wonderful gift but we trust in His great mercy. This helps put us in the right disposition. In 1 Corinthians 11:27-30 St. Paul says some fierce things about those who receive Holy Communion without the proper disposition. Let us never forget what all this is about.

The Lord is calling us. How do we respond?

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

Leading in Our World

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Dear Folks,

What does it mean to be part of the royal family of God? Last week I wrote about Jesus as prophet, priest, and king, and how we are to participate in those three roles as well, or perhaps, how Jesus exercises those roles through us. I think in these days we need to think more about the royal role, in which we are called to be leaders in this world.

In the book “Leadership Without Easy Answers” by Ronald Heifetz, he says that a leader points to the reality that calls for adaptive change and keeps the conversation focused on the

relevant issues.

We can tell the story of the Gospel, and also the story of how the world looks through the Gospel lens. This involves a vision of what it is to be human, and what makes for a good life. How many people think it’s important to have a good life? What does that even mean?

Have we thought about it? I would suggest that many (most?) people presume the question has been answered and charge ahead focused on immediate issues without regard to the

larger picture.

There are always tensions between Christian belief and the accepted beliefs of society. Right now, there is tremendous, fierce tension on the understanding of being male and female, on the meaning of sex, on the meaning of family, and the sanctity of

life. These are all connected, and the Catholic understanding shows to live that leads to human flourishing.

Mary Eberstadt in her book “Adam and Eve After the Pill” tells about how the sexual revolution has done great harm, but even though there are mountains of data, people refuse to recognize it. She compares it to the days of the Soviet Union, when there was a huge amount of evidence that their system caused tremendous human suffering, but so many refused to acknowledge it. There is a great “will to disbelieve.” I would also recommend “The Truth Overruled” by Ryan T. Anderson, which goes into more detail about the fierce resistance that meets any dissent.

As long as people look at their identity being all about their feelings, people will not be able to develop a solid sense of self, and a profound and stable vision for life becomes harder and harder. As long as people look at sex as a toy, it will facilitate treating other people as toys, easy to use and discard. Conceiving children becomes an inconvenience rather than a vocation, and life without abortion become unthinkable. If marriage is whatever we feel like it being, it will not have a solid foundation, and we lose the central crucible for forming people to be part of civilization. Our society has so much violence, so much anger, so much loneliness, so much misery. I’m reminded of Mahatma Ghandhi being asked what he thought of western civilization, and he said, “I think it would be a good idea.”

If we share the beautiful truth about how God made us for love, and what love really is (as in not a feeling but a decision) how the way we share ourselves is central to the good life.

This leads to an understanding of the authentic gift of self and the fullness of human life. We can recognize our feelings and know that they are important, but they can come and go and can mislead us. We can present a vision of what marriage is that will lead to a

society that flourishes. The conversation might start with some questions, like “Why does human life matter?” “What is marriage and why does it matter?” “Is loving a person different from loving ice cream?” Who knows what will follow from that?

By developing our ability to present the Catholic faith, the Catholic vision of how Jesus reveals to us what it means to be human and being able to do it in a compelling and inspiring way, we can be leader in the world.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

Focus on Love

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Dear Folks,

The essence of the Gospel is the gift of self. The Lord gave Himself completely for us, not withholding the last drop of His blood. By His Pascal Mystery, He empowers and invites us to receive that gift, and to give ourselves to Him in return. In this exchange of love is the fullness of life, the fullness of freedom, and the fullness of joy.

There are two problems. One, we are free simply to refuse. We can choose to live for ourselves and our desires alone. “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matthew 16:25; see Luke 17:33 and John 12:25).” The other problem is more insidious and more dangerous. It is the false gift of self. It allows us to tell others (and often ourselves) that we are really committing ourselves, but the reality is different.

We all know about people who claim to be your friend when it is convenient for them but ignore you when it is not. Sometimes people make a commitment and either never intended to keep it or change their minds when they find out it will be harder than they thought.

This can take many forms. In the Scriptures, there is a continual problem of false gifts to God. God teaches His people how to be in relationship to Him (in the Old Testament this is embodied in the Torah, and in the New Testament it is embodied in Jesus). People keep trying to make it something less. Isaiah 1 and Psalm 50 are about those who offer ritual sacrifices but do not follow God’s teaching, as if they could just buy Him off and continue to do what they wanted. The scribes and Pharisees in the Gospels were classic examples of those who went through the motions, but their hearts and minds did not belong to God, and they refused to be corrected.

The Scriptures make an analogy between our relationship with God and the relationship between husband and wife. The book of Hosea, Ezekiel 13 and 23, and other texts compare idolatry with adultery. God made sex as the ultimate gift of self between husband and wife and the power to generate life. People keep trying to make it something less, and that has caused serious harm to people’s lives, to families, and to society as a whole. People are exploited, children are neglected or considered disposable, and people lose the power to connect on a deep level. To use it as a toy, a sport, or a casual interaction harms the people involved. All of Catholic sexual morality is to preserve its power as authentic gift of self.

Some do charitable work but are less concerned about what will really help people than about feeling good about themselves or having other people praise them.

This Sunday we read the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:29-37). This story, unique to Luke, is a story about authentic charitable work. It involved an emergency, and someone who helped with nothing to gain for himself. His friends would never praise him for helping a Jew, in fact, they would probably sneer in disgust (such was the hatred between Jews and Samaritans). The man he helped would probably be angry he was helped by a Samaritan, and there could not be expectation of gratitude from him. He took a risk stopping in a dangerous place, used his own resources, and now had to walk instead of ride. He even left himself open to extra cost. He probably even had to deal with a feeling of disgust himself for this victim.

We remember that Jesus Himself is the perfect model of selfless love. He was already on the highest throne in heaven, and had nothing to gain by saving us, but He did at great cost to himself. This is the challenge He gives us today.

Blessings,

Fr Jim

Woman at the Well: a Surprise

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Dear Folks,

Today, Jesus meets a woman at a well. Brant Pitre’s excellent book “Jesus the Bridegroom” talks about gathering all the people of God to be the bride of the Lamb. The Bible has a couple of powerful images of meeting a bride at a well (Isaac, through a servant, with Rebekah in Genesis 24, Jacob with Rachel in Genesis 29, and Moses with Zipporah in Exodus 2:16:21). Pitre will point out various details in common between these stories and the story of Jesus at the well, which means that a Jewish audience who knew their Torah would instantly make the connection. A man meeting a woman at a well made them think of marriage.

Jesus talks about being the source of living water. We will see again that He will talk about living water in chapter 7 during the feast of tabernacles (the feast of booths): “On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood up and exclaimed ‘Let anyone who thirsts come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as scripture says; “Rivers of living water will flow from within him.”’ He said this in reference to the Spirit that those who came to believe in him were to receive. There was, of course, no Spirit yet, because Jesus had not yet been glorified (John 7:37-39).” According to Gail Yee’s “Jewish Feasts and the Gospel of John”

she talks about the last and greatest day of the feast. “On the seventh day, the priests pass through the Water Gate and encircle the sacred altar seven times with the waters drawn from the pool of Siloam (p.79).” There would be other rituals with water during the feast. It would happen at the time of harvest, which was the beginning of the rainy season (there is no rain in Israel during the summer: rain happens in the winter, so imagine cisterns getting dry). In that context Jesus makes His declaration.

Pitre argues that when Jesus tells the woman at the well about living water, He refers to baptism, seeing how it follows from so much about baptism in Chapter 3 and the beginning of Chapter 4. Baptism gives the Holy Spirit (John 1:32 and 3:5) and the Spirit reminds us of the truth (John 14:26)

Jesus breaks down barriers between people. Jesus is about bringing people together. This woman was a Samarian, and very much an outsider. We don’t know the details of this woman’s story. She has had five husbands and was living a sinful lifestyle with a man with whom she was not married. Was she in her situation because she made some really bad choices, or because she was treated horribly and this was the only way she could find to survive, or maybe a combination of the two? The fact that she is coming to the well at midday suggests other women were shunning her. In Israel, you run errands early in the morning before it gets hot, and at mid-day you work inside. Jesus loves people regardless of their sins, but also takes their sins seriously (nowadays people assume it has to be one or the other). He doesn’t explore the state of her soul, but the basic facts of her situation. The fact that He knew that and didn’t treat her with contempt was probably a new experience for her. He did not berate her, simply told the truth, and she knew what the score was. Nowadays, it has the extra complication that many people, including many practicing Catholics, believe that many sins are not only not sins, but positive goods, and that calling them sins is actually hateful. Still, we are called to lead with love and respect, to trust the power of the Spirit given to us in baptism, and to point to the truth. Jesus offers a more abundant life (John 10:10) and it is for us to point to that life and show it in our behavior.

I suggest getting more and more deeply engaged in the Gospel of John will help us see how His truth all connects and how to point to it with our words and actions.

Blessings

Fr Jim

Jesus the Bridegroom

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Dear Folks,

We read the story of the wedding at Cana in John 2. We look at the image of marriage throughout the Bible, we see it is often used to illuminate God’s intentions for us. In Isaiah 61 and 62 also in the Book of Hosea, we see married love as an image of God’s love for us. Rabbis, Church fathers and spiritual masters have long seen the Song of Songs as an Image of God’s tender love for us. In the Gospel of John, we remember that John the Baptist’s big job is to introduce Jesus, and he uses two images to describe Him: The Lamb and the Bridegroom (See John 1:29, 36; John 3:29). Both are images of the gift of self. The sacred author will bring these two images together at the end of the Book of Revelation (See Revelation 19:6-9 and 21:9-10).There is a movie with Kirk Cameron called “Fireproof.” It is about a firefighter whose marriage is on the verge of splitting up, and he is ready to give up. Then his father gives him a copy of a book called “The Love Dare” which is a forty-day challenge to build one’s relationship with one’s spouse. This is put out by evangelical Protestants, but there is nothing in them to offend Catholics. The book gives the philosophy and explains the challenge of each day. We are reminded that Christians are not called to follow our hearts but lead our hearts. Love in Christianity is not a feeling, but a decision to seek the good of the other. It is not something that we fall into and out of, but something we nurture and build. Feelings are important, but they can come and go, and often they lead us in the wrong direction.The Love Dare has forty different challenges to be intentional about certain virtues involved in marriage. The first is “Love is patient.” Let’s face it, we all need patience, and we all can grow in our ability to be patient. This is about taking a day to focus on being patient with one’s spouse. The next day is “Love is kind.” While patience is reactive, kindness is proactive. One can take a day and look for opportunities to do nice things for one’s spouse that would make that person happy.In our society, many look at marriage as a lifestyle choice based on personal desire rather than a vocation of service and sacrifice based on natural law. The enemy will always present us with inferior substitutes for God’s gifts, and they will seem more attractive at first, but then betray us. If this can help more people to have more successful and joyful marriages, that would be enough reason for this effort, but there is more. When we say that marriage is a sacrament, that tells us that it illuminates God’s love for us and the response we seek to give to God. As we grow in our ability to love other people in relationships, we can gain insight into living the marriage of the Bride and the Lamb, how we can better love Jesus. With some adaptations, the same program could be an exercise in discipleship. As a husband might be extra attentive to being patient with his wife, so a disciple could be patient with God’s people. Or, perhaps, when things go wrong, be patient with the challenges that God allows us to face.As we think of all the joys and virtues of marriage, knowing that earthly marriages are imperfect, we can reflect on how God’s love for us brings all good things to perfection. Accept no substitutes.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim