Category Archives: peace

It Begins With Listening

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Dear Folks,

The New Testament teaches us a few Aramaic words, including “Ephphatha,” meaning “be opened.” Jesus heals a deaf man with a speech impediment (Mark 7:31-37). When Jesus does a miracle, we first rejoice, and then we ask, “what is He trying to teach us?

When most people could not read or write, being unable to hear or speak would severely isolate people. Hearing and speaking connect us to the world beyond ourselves. Sin also isolates people from one another and tends to close us in on ourselves. Big Question: Is the focus of attention on ourselves or beyond ourselves?

Most of us don’t listen as well as we think we do. If I’m focused on myself, I’m filled with: How does this affect me? What does it make me feel? How do I respond to it?

In Ann Garrido’s book “Redeeming Conflict” we find habit #2 is “be curious” and habit #3 is “Listen to understand.” We have a tendency to listen to find the flaws and respond. But in the other person’s head, what they are thinking makes sense to them. The challenge is to figure out how it makes sense, how do their ideas fit together, and why do they find them compelling? What are the concerns and motivations that drive them? This allows us to speak to their concerns. I know some people have said some things that were true, but did not speak to my premises and concerns, so I found them completely unpersuasive. I found, for example, that since I think there are some problems with the way liturgy has often been celebrated after Vatican II, they assume that I idealize the time before Vatican II, and so they give me a lecture on all the problems of that time. Since they are arguing with a position that I do not believe, it doesn’t matter if what they say is true, it accomplishes nothing except get on my nerves and waste my time.

Sometimes I have found myself, to my regret, doing that to someone else. A response bursts out of me before I even think about it instead of hearing them out and maybe asking

some questions to draw their thoughts out. This suggests that I was focused more on myself than the other person, and that my need to tell my story had become desperate. It also makes it unlikely that what I say is going to be effective. To become a better listener, I try

to quiet myself and focus carefully on the other person. I also work on telling my story. If I don’t have another venue, it helps to write, even if I don’t share it with anyone. That helps me tell my story in a more controlled manner.

Redeeming conflict habit #5 is welcome emotion, and #6 is tell your story. Once I have listened to the other person, seeking to understand deeply why they think they way they do, I can look at myself and see what I have to tell of what I’m thinking and feeling. I’m more likely to be able to speak in a way that connects. Being a better listener increases my power of speech. I don’t claim to be great at it, but I know I’m better than I used to be, and I’ve connected better with others. I ask Jesus to continue to do for me what He did for the man in the Gospel.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

A More Peaceful World

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Dear Folks,

This Sunday’s Gospel deals with people that Jesus could not convince.

Mark 3:20-35 Jesus is casting out demons, and His opponents claimed that He was possessed and that he drove out demons “by the power of the prince of demons.” Jesus shows how illogical that is and warned against blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. It seems from the context that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is refusing to see. Helen Keller said, “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”

Some will not see because they don’t want to and will say or do anything to defend against a new idea. Those who refuse to see cannot be forced to see. If even Jesus couldn’t convince them, we are not going to do better than Jesus.

I continue to be concerned about the state of conversation in society today. There is a lot of interaction, but not a lot of understanding. The chasm between sides seems to be growing

wider, and the hostility between them growing fiercer. I chose not to include examples but ask you to think of some from your experience. I bet you can. I’ve noticed that what we say sounds more convincing to us than it does to the people who

disagree with us. There seem to be many occasions when someone presents his argument and ends with the triumphant equivalent of “checkmate. Case closed” and the other person says, “No, not even close.” Some are not convinced because we didn’t make a case that spoke to their point of view, and if we learn more about their point of view we can try again and maybe succeed. Usually there are some bits of information that support one point of view, and other

bits of information that support the other point of view. We tend to put more weight on what supports our narrative. Some people, it seems hammer the details in their favor and ignore the details against. I can’t tell if they are doing it on purpose.

At some point, we need to realize we aren’t going to make progress and need to give up. Jesus spoke of shaking the dust from our feet and moving on (Matt 10:12; Mark 6:11; Luke 9:5

and 10:11). Sometimes it takes a while for a new idea to take root, to mature, and to grow. We can’t generally change the basic architecture of our thinking in a minute; sometimes it takes

years. I’ve caught myself getting angry when I think someone is not trying to understand. I need to check myself. First of all, they may be trying. Second, getting angry is a futile waste of energy at best, and destructive at worst. I just need to accept that I can do what I can do.

I think it is critical to be realistic about what the situation is and how much we can do about it. There is a lot of bad thinking, bad logic, and bad ideas, and it’s going to be that way for the

foreseeable future. We need to resign ourselves to the fact that we can’t fix it, but maybe we can make it a smidge better. If we can get someone to think something they’ve never thought before, ask a question that they’ve never asked before, look at things from a different angle, that moves us forward. If others hurl abuse, call people names, and get nasty while we respond calmly, respectfully,

and persistently, over time those who are open will see where wisdom lies.

One final thought: let us all be carefully on guard against our own human tendency to refuse to see the truth. None of us are immune.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

When God Calls

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Dear Folks,

I saw the movie “Irena’s Vow.” It is beyond amazing. It is about Irena Gut Opdyke who sheltered a group of Jews during World War II, and one would never have believed how she did it. The movie showed the terrible evil of the Nazis who were seeking to make Germany “free of Jews.” We remember how the Nazis accused the Jews of all sorts of crimes in an attempt to justify their actions.

This Sunday the Gospel is about Jesus the Good Shepherd (John 10:11-18). The Good Shepherd “lays down his life for the sheep.” This is the essence of the Gospel: the Lord, with nothing to gain for Himself, paid the ultimate price for our salvation, and calls us to

receive His gift and give ourselves in love. This is not only the greatest story ever told, but the greatest story that could ever be told. It will never be repeated but has echoed in the lives of many Christians who suffered, sacrificed, and put their lives on the line for the love of God and neighbor.

There are many true stories about people who make heroic, selfless sacrifice to help others. Irena Gut Opdyke is one. Irena Sendler is another (see the movie “The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler.”) I’m also fond of the story of Monsignor Hugh O’Flaherty, whose

work is detailed in the movie “The Scarlet and the Black” and was subject of the book “Hugh O’Flaherty: The Irish Priest Who Resisted the Nazis” by Fiorella De Maria.

We remember the terror attack in Israel on October 7 and the horrible cruelty that was committed. We see how Hamas is still holding hostages while trying to maximize civilian casualties. We see people accusing Israel of crimes while dismissing the crimes of the terrorists. There have been rallies in the United States, including Michigan, in which people have shouted “Death to Israel” and “Death to America.” At a time when hate crimes against Jews is on the rise, at a time when people are getting more and more casual about destroying human lives, we would do well to pay attention.

I notice that at the worst times in history, God raises up great heroes. True stories of heroes remind us what one person can do, and that often these people are the ones you would least expect. We don’t know what God will call us to before we are done. Not all Christians are called to die for the faith, but all Christians are called to be ready to die for the faith, and all are called to service. What would we be willing to do to answer God’s call?

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

Blessed are the Peacemakers: Redeeming Conflict

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Dear Folks,

Our Gospel today (Matt 18:15-20) deals with reconciling conflict in the Church. This is such a critical topic I’ve refurbished an old article on the subject. One of the major ways that Satan undermines the work of the Gospel is sowing division and conflict in the Church. Resolving conflict is a mighty way to combat Satan and his work.

If I could recommend one book for people, I would emphasize “Redeeming Conflict” by Ann Garrido. I have mentioned it before, but it is time to mention it again. It is about twelve habits that can transform conflict and make it a spiritual journey.

The twelve habits are:

1. Sidestep the triangle (go directly to the person with which you have the problem).

2. Be curious (What is happening with the other person? What is that person thinking? What is that person seeking? What might this person see that I don’t? Is there more to the situation than either of us sees?) That is related to #3.

3. Listen to understand (We usually listen to refute their point of view, but remember their beliefs make sense to them, so how do they fit together in their mind?).

4. Undo the knot of intention (we tend to judge ourselves on our intentions and others on their results, but good intentions don’t guarantee good consequences, and we need to keep that in mind for both parties).

5. Welcome emotion (our emotions give us clues to what is really happening inside us, and what this situation means to us).

6. Speak your voice (while we emphasize hearing and understanding the other, the situation cannot truly be resolved without your side of the story being articulated).

7. Know and steady thyself (some issues trip our triggers, and we can go off and say things we will regret. It is good to know and compensate for such tendencies).

8. Pray to forgive (Forgiveness is essential to dealing with conflict, and the ability to do so is a gift from God, so we need to pray for it).

9. Repent (very often, both sides have contributed to the problem, at least somewhat, and we need to own our part).

10. Problem solve (It really helps to develop creative solutions where both sides win).

11. Be trustworthy, not necessarily trusting (not everyone is trustworthy, but we need to be, and Christians are called to do right no matter how much others do wrong).

12. Practice prudence (knowing which of these habits to exercise and when is more art than science).

It is a very Catholic book, but I don’t think there is anything there to offend our nonCatholic brothers and sisters.

Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God (Matthew 5:9). Jesus took a whole beatitude to emphasize this point (I have a lot to say about how important the beatitudes are in the teaching of Jesus). If we want to follow Jesus’ teaching (we do, don’t we?) and we want to be called “children of God” (we do, don’t we), would we not be intentional about increasing our ability to be peacemakers?

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

Holy Spirit bringing Peace

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Dear Folks,

This is Pentecost! Along with Easter and Christmas, it is one of the three biggest days of the year, but is often neglected. It is the great feast of the Holy Spirit and the birthday of the Catholic

Church. If Pentecost was in A.D. 33, as many scholars believe it is, then this is the 1990th birthday of the Church (we should be planning for a really big monster of a party in ten years, when it turns 2000. I’ve suggested to some of our school kids that an interesting math problem would be: how much cake do you need to hold all those candles?).

We start with Genesis 11:1-11, the story of the Tower of Babel. It is a story of sin dividing people with confused language as they try to attain heaven on their terms rather than receiving the gifts that God wants to give them. Acts 2:1-11 is the story of Pentecost, which is God undoing the effects of Babel, enabling people of different languages to understand each other.

The Holy Spirit communicates the fruit of the Pascal Mystery that undoes the power of sin. He also formed the disciples into the Church. Without losing our individuality, we become parts of

one another, as parts of a body (1 Corinthians 12 and Romans 12) and become more fully alive, as we have no trouble seeing ourselves as a higher form of life than amebae (and see John

10:10).

In the Gospel of John, Jesus speaks of living water (John 4:4-16 and 7:37-39), and it is explained that this refers to the gift of the Holy Spirit, who would only be sent after Jesus was glorified.

This image is brought to fullness in Revelation 21:1-2, in which we see the Trinity together: God (the Father) and the Lamb (Jesus) are on the throne, and from the throne flows life-giving water

(the Holy Spirit).

The Holy Spirit saves us from “the works of the flesh.” “In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-

23a, but it’s worthwhile reading vv. 16-26). Jesus said, “By their fruits you will know them (Matt 7:16).” I don’t know about farming, but I figure the measure of success for a farmer is less

about how much he sweats, and more about what crops are produced. If we want some sense if we are growing as disciples, are we growing in these qualities? What signs are there in our

behavior that we are showing fruit? Many judge a worship service by how the “experience” made them “feel.” Better questions might be, “Did it help me focus on God rather than myself?” and “Afterwards, did I exhibit more fruit of the Holy Spirit in my

behavior?” Obviously, this is not just the work of the worship leaders, but also how the individuals give themselves to participate, both internally and externally. A useful thing to do would be to review the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and ask ourselves, “what behaviors are we growing in that show the Spirit bearing fruit?” Another good thing to do is pray for the Holy Spirit:

Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created, and you shall renew the face of the earth.

Let us pray.

O God, who have taught the hearts of the faithful by the light of the Holy Spirit, grant that in the same Spirit we may be truly wise and ever rejoice in his consolation.

Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

This is Pentecost! Let us Celebrate!

Blessings,

Healthier Brain, More Peaceful World

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Dear Folks,

In discussions about making this a less violent world, the subject of mental health comes up. Then it usually vanishes, and people move on. Partly, I think people get uncomfortable dealing with this subject, as if it is somehow shameful. We need to get over this. The brain is an organ and gets sick like any other organ. I would also think it is a big issue without a simple solution, and we like quick and simple solutions. How can we keep the conversation going?

How can we have some fruitful discussion about our mental health system, and how does our system need restructuring? What resources would be needed for some good outcomes? People who know more than I do need to be pushing these questions.

Of course, just as we know that heart health is not just a matter of thoracic surgeons, cardiologists and statins, but also fruits, vegetables, and exercise, so we recognize that mental health is not just about the mental health professionals, but healthy practices. As we think about how people are taught to brush and floss their teeth, and how we are taught nutrition principles, should we not be trying to develop some more common mental hygiene practices?

My training in psychology is pretty rudimentary, but there are some places to start.

One place is in relationships. So many are lonely now. So many describe the pain of toxic relationships. Can we talk about what makes a healthy relationship, and how to form them?

Another place is how we react to events in our lives and how we weave them into a narrative.

What meaning we can find in our good experiences and bad experiences? Viktor Flankl, in his wonderful book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” talks about the human response to suffering. As a Psychiatrist and a survivor of Nazi concentration camps, he has a special authority to talk. He said that people who are more resilient in horrible situations are people who find meaning in them.

Many today do not have a strong enough vision of life to help them find meaning in bad situations. Many would agree with Macbeth: “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing (Macbeth Act 5 Scene 5).” Or, as Monty Python said so eloquently, “Is life just a game where we make up the rules as we’re looking for something to say? Or are we just really spiraling coils of self-replicating D.N.A.?” Not a strong vision to give you hope when life gets really hard, and our hearts get broken.

This is a good time to talk about Christianity. A relationship with Jesus and discipleship in the Gospel is the most powerful approach I’ve found, not only to find meaning in suffering, but even power in suffering. We see our lives woven into a larger story of salvation, and that casts a different light on everything, the bad and the good. Many who go to church, and many who have wandered away from church, have not found that to be the case. I would suggest that many have been taught an enfeebled, mush version of Christianity that is has no power to transform lives. It is for those who take Jesus seriously to help others find what Jesus is really about. As Peter Kreeft said in “Jesus Shock”: “If you think Jesus is boring you have the wrong Jesus.” The better we know Jesus, the better we can share Jesus. If you want a better world, the best first step is always to fall more deeply in love with Jesus.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

Build a Better World

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Dear Folks,

Talking about developing a less violent world, I think we need to look at the power of personal agency. So often, it can feel like what we do doesn’t make much difference in the larger world. It is a terrible feeling to think that the world and other people can make marks on us quite easily, but there is nothing we can do to make our mark on the world. This is a feeling I lived with for a lot of years, and it can lead to desperation. If we can help people learn better to channel that energy, that can lead to lead to more productive activity and less desperation.

This can involve developing a vision. If things are not good as they are now, what improvement do we want? It is good to be specific. Then we need a path between here and there.

We need to learn skills: learn to make a case for what we think should happen and making it effectively, both for the goal and the way to get there. Just because it seems painfully obvious to us doesn’t mean it will be obvious to others, in fact, we can count on someone thinking it is completely wrong, and that can be frustrating. Seeing things from others’ point of view is a good first step. We need to recognize that if people do change the way they think, it can be a slow process, and we need patience. I find however much patience I think I’ve learned God seems to think I need more. If we get attention, it needs to be in a way that helps people see things from our point of view.

We can cultivate more realistic expectations. This can keep people from giving up when things take a long time and get difficult. I don’t know much about farming, but I think people take for granted that when they plant seeds, it will take months for the crop to be ready. On the other hand, if I put coffee in the microwave and it takes months for the coffee to get hot, I’m throwing that microwave away. Making profound, meaningful changes in society is long, slow work, often spanning generations. Getting people to change the way they think takes time, especially when ideas are deeply rooted and intertwined with their basic world view. I suggest lower expectations short term, higher expectations long term. Before we try to justify quick and dirty tactics, remember the other side might use them too, and they tend not to win people over.

Boundaries are essential! Just because we have good intentions does not mean our behavior is justified. We as a society need to reject excusing people’s bad behavior because we think it is for a good cause (remember, everyone thinks they have a good cause). If protesters behave badly, it hurts the credibility of their cause. Jesus said, “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves. Be as clever as serpents and innocent as doves (Matt 10:16).”

We must support those who help make it a less violent world. This starts with law enforcement. We need to recognize the great risks and sacrifices that they make, and how much we depend on them. We need to remember many of the decisions, especially shoot/don’t shoot situations, must be made in a fraction of a second, and if they get it wrong, they often die. They want to go home at the end of their shift like everyone else. Yes, we need to get rid of bad actors, but when there is an incident, we need to give the officer the same benefit of the doubt that we would want for ourselves. When people commit a crime, there should be quick and consistent consequences as much as possible. Lax or selective enforcement encourages more crime.

Let’s not disparage thoughts and prayers. Yes, they are not a substitute for action, but action can follow from focusing our hearts. We can always invite people to action, and this is an opportunity to make our case.

Blessings, Fr. Jim

Families Building Civilization

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Dear Folks,

If we are serious about building a less violent world, we need to take a look at fatherless families. According to everything I’ve read (see fatherhood.org for some data), children who grow up without their fathers are significantly more likely to live in poverty, have

behavioral problems, become drug addicts, commit crimes, and many other things. I’ve been told that boys learn from their fathers how to be men and how to treat women, while daughters learn from their fathers what to expect from men.

There are many single parent families that are doing great things, and there are some fathers that are not doing a good job, but it can still be true that encouraging families with both the father and mother present and engaged can build a better world.

Someone told me that her observation was that some parents see their children more as accessories than as their central life vocation. Such parents drop off their kids at school, and maybe at church, and act as the primary teachers of their children. However, many parents are taking their responsibility very seriously and see themselves as the first mentors, protectors, and advocates for their children. How can we help and encourage them?

I’ve heard some voices that suggested that parents shouldn’t have a say in (or even know) what their children are getting taught because they weren’t trained like teachers are. However, I’ve heard some teachers saying please, please, please would parents be

more involved in their children’s education. How can we help and encourage them?

For many years it was clique that in movies and TV shows the father of the family was either a doofus or a jerk, and everyone knew better than him. How might that have helped form the notion that fathers were not that important to have around. I’ve been told by a

number of sources that the way the welfare system is structured, it is actually encouraging the mother to raise children without the presence of the father. If that is true, how can that be changed? How can it be structured to encourage active presence and participation of both parents? I have been told it will never be changed because keeping people poor and dependent is big business. I figure systematic change can only happen when enough people rise up and decide not to stand for it. I don’t know where to start, but I refuse to believe it is impossible.

It has been said that “Love is love.” It is a true statement, but not all love relationships are the same. The relationship between husband and wife is different from father and son, from mother and daughter, between cousins, between brothers, between brother and sister, between two good friends, and so on. Each has a different nature, makes a different contribution to society, and is expressed differently. I would suggest that the relationship

between a man and a woman, committed to a permanent exclusive relationship of love that is ordered toward the generation and nurturing of children makes a unique contribution. If

that is true, how can society privilege this relationship, encourage it, strengthen it, and value it? Our future, and our hope for a better world, may depend on it.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

Want a Better World? Start with “what does ‘better’ mean?

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Dear Folks,

This is the second of a series of articles on building a less violent world. If we want a better world, we need to have an idea of what “better” means. You may think this is obvious, but I challenge you to think again. What seems obviously true to me might seem obviously false to someone else.

The book “Why Johnny Can’t Tell Right from Wrong” by William Kilpatrick tells of values clarification in some school programs, where they teach children to form their own value system. He mentioned how shocked teachers were by the value systems they came up with.

“The Abolition of Man” by C. S. Lewis describes how, back in the 1940’s, people were already working to deconstruct our value system without considering the results (“They laugh at honor

and are shocked to find traitors in their midst”). Since then things have gotten stranger.

Imagine a society where most people have a fuzzy, undefined, inconsistent view of right and wrong, and when something happens that feels wrong to them, they scream, and if they can get

enough people to scream with them, they can dominate the conversation. Now stop imagining, because I think we have arrived. Why are we surprised that such a society has so much violence? If people excuse violence when they are sympathetic to the cause, why should they be surprised that people will use violence on the other side? If we believe in standards of behavior, it needs to be consistent with our allies and our opponents. It is easy to call out our opponents; it is more important to call out our allies and remind them they are hurting the cause.

When we disagree and are angry, we need to reject violence. We need to reject name calling. If we need to avoid reading people’s hearts, and saying because they disagree with us, they don’t

care about goodness. If we are frustrated that they reject our position, we need to make a better case for our position. We may think we’ve made a good enough case to convince any

reasonable person, but they clearly don’t think so. We can insult the other people, or we can make a better case. We need to do things that will move the conversation forward.

So often we see people talking past each other. When I see someone saying, “I long for a country where people love their children more than their guns.” I know that moves us away

from anything constructive. The very people they most want to convince are going to read that and say, “they have not even tried to understand our point of view. We need guns to protect our

children.” On the other hand, simply posting, “What part of ‘shall not be infringed’ don’t you understand?” is not going to help. It reinforces their opponents’ belief that they don’t care about

stopping violence. Wouldn’t it be so much more helpful to make a better case, that our proposed solution would actually make things better. Once again, it may seem obvious to us, but the opposite might be obvious to other intelligent people of good will. Our reasoning seems to us to be more reasonable, but we all have an unconscious thumb on the scale pushing us in that

direction. It will take much patient, persistent work to develop common messages about behaviors that build a better society.

Imagine a society where parents, teachers, entertainers, political leaders, and church leaders all reinforced a common message to reject violence and destruction to make our points, to build

constructive and respectful dialog, to value growing in virtue over gratifying desire, to value problem solving over complaining, and to respect the law and law enforcement? Would that be

a less violent society?

Blessings,

Fr. Jim

From Cain and Abel to a More Peaceful World

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Dear Folks,

As we celebrate the Easter season, we remember it is a time of new hope and new possibilities. As we read Acts of the Apostles, we see things happening that the early Christians would not have thought possible at first.

There is so much violence in our world. I sure would like for there to be less. When there is a particularly horrific incident it will often dominate the news for a while. Then different people will repeat their usual talking points. Various groups will talk past each other, and then nothing changes. I think we could do better. Short term, we can harden targets and make them less vulnerable. The deeper solution is not being so good at creating savages.

We have to have a less violent culture, a more peaceful culture, or no law can save us, and civilization itself is in the balance. I think there are some concrete things we can do. We have to decide what kind of people we want to be. It would involve looking at our own behavior (let none of us assume we are guiltless). It will involve what kind of messages that we send, and what kind of messages we encourage (calling out people on our side would likely be more effective than calling out our opponents; the other side is easy to dismiss). It will require considerable thought on how we as a society encourage good behaviors and discourage bad behaviors.

Particular issues would include:

• Support law enforcement, and value law and order.

• Build a strong sense of right and wrong.

• Combat fatherlessness.

• Stop talking past each other.

• Don’t condemn or demean our opponents; make a better case for our position.

• Keep our feelings and thoughts in perspective: just because I’m angry about something important doesn’t give me license to be destructive. Just because my cause is right doesn’t mean I have license to be destructive. We can work toward a better world, but we can’t expect to fix everything in our time. Building a better world is an intergenerational project.

• Build empathy, especially with people who see things differently, and reject objectifying groups or individuals. Avoid ridiculing people we disagree with.

• Reject using others’ behavior as an excuse to misbehave ourselves.

• Have the same standard of behavior for those we agree with and those we don’t; not condemn destruction when we disagree with their cause, and condone or dismiss it when we agree with the cause.

• Value growing in virtue over gratifying desire.

• Have some serious humility about how much we understand and how much we don’t: maybe even people we disagree with have some things to teach us.

In the weeks to come I’ll try to expand on these issues. I hope it may stimulate some thought and some discussion. Civilizations do rise and fall, but when they fall, it causes much suffering. It would be worth a lot to keep ours going.

Blessings,

Fr. Jim